Throwing it all away.
From time to time, I work with people who have either made an attempt at suicide and or expressed serious intent to do so. My first response to these people is to ask a standard question based on a ancient quote; “have you left all stones unturned?”
Often times when people contemplate on committing suicide, they are operating on limiting core beliefs, which they have repeatedly used towards getting their emotional needs met in a diverse number of situations. As a result they have experienced limited to no success, due to their lack of flexibility in their core beliefs and subsequently their behaviors.
For example, a common theme I observe with people who idealize suicide is an absence of love from their lives. Often these are people who still struggle with childhood trauma, where they experienced significant physical abuse and or emotional neglect under the watch of caregivers. They often feel unloved and unwanted by others in their lives and in their personal relationships they will resort to subservient roles in the hopes of gaining the approval of the other person.
During the course of these relationships, as the person with suicidal ideation gives more of themselves to the other person, the less value the other person sees in them, the more used, undervalued and unloved the person feels. Further, the more relationships the suicidal person engages in which they give the best of themselves with little to nothing in return, the more exhausted they are going to feel about themselves and life in general.
The good news is that people in this predicament with timely intervention can adopt a more optimistic view of themselves and life in general and start thriving. However before I get into what the turn around process will look life for suicidal people, I am going to get into the reasons why people with suicidal ideation, typically find themselves feeling exhausted about themselves, undervalued and unloved in their personal relationships.
Before I begin, I would like to state that the following reasons does not apply to everyone who experiences thoughts about suicide. Further, the following content is not meant to diagnosis and heal anyone who is experiencing suicidal ideation. The following content is being provided as helpful information , if you are experiencing thoughts of suicide or know someone who is experiencing thoughts of suicide, please seek consultation with a psychotherapist.
“A Corrupted Sub Conscious”
During the first two years of life, the right hemisphere of the brain is the first develop, in regards to the establishment of neurological connections. Not only is the right hemisphere the first to develop, it also a experiences a rapid growth sprout during those first two years.
In the field of neuroscience it is generally agreed upon that the right hemisphere is more closely connected to the primary and survivalistic needs of the body than the left hemisphere. As a result, the sensory information is usually interpreted by the right hemisphere from an emotional narrative while sensory information from the left hemisphere is usually interpreted from an analytical / problem solving narrative.
The type of emotional narrative used by the right hemisphere to interpret information is usually dependent of the person’s experiences in getting his or her emotional needs met as a child. If the person experienced a lot of success in getting his emotional needs met during childhood, his fundamental emotional narrative tends to be more optimistic. The right hemispheres of people who are more optimistic, tend to communicate easily with the left hemispheres. While the right hemispheres of people who are more pessimistic, tend to communicate less with the left hemispheres of those people. So people who had difficulty getting their needs met as children tend to have a more rigid and pessimistic emotional outlook on life. They are more likely to adopt narratives of helplessness and hopelessness when they encounter challenges in their lives.
The typical mindset of a person struggling with feelings of helplessness and hopelessness is such that if one type of solution does not work for the problem he is addressing, then no other solution will work for that problem. This is obviously not true and explains why people with suicidal ideation give up so easily after addressing the same types of problems with the same approach. repeatedly.
“The Devil You Know..”
Another reason why people with suicidal ideation experience limitation of ideas in addressing their challenges are the people they have grown accustomed to associating themselves with. We are accustomed to dealing with the same types of people we are raised with. This is because during the course of our lives we have developed neurological connections to enable us relate to specific types of people, which affords us a sense of predictability and consistency.
For the person who suffers from suicidal ideation, this presents a big problem, because chances are that you have grown accustomed to interacting with toxic people, and responding to such toxic persons with your own toxicity. This creates the illusion of de ja vu, were just about every relationship you are engaged in is a toxic relationship, which leads to feelings of inferiority, in that you begin to believe that something is wrong with you and that you are deserving of being on the receiving end of toxicity.
“Reprograming Your Subconscious”
Your subconscious mind can be reprogrammed, intentionally or coincidentally. Intentionally by yourself or a third party and coincidentally by information you encounter which inspires you towards change, for better or for worse.
You can come to deeply believe yourself to be a worthwhile human being and come to unconditionally accept yourself.
This process involves creating a narrative and seeking real life evidence to test the effectiveness of the narrative. The first step towards creating this narrative is by understanding the law of opposites. The law of opposites states that everything in existence is a combination or unity of opposites, a common example would be electricity, which is defined by a positive or negative charge.
This means that if you are currently living your life based on a narrative where your worth is low and you reject yourself, there exists a narrative where you believe yourself to be a worthwhile human being and you unconditionally accept yourself.
This is not a narrative you simple make up, but one you base on evidence. First you explore evidence that supports your reasons for degrading your worth as human being. Imagine that your belief of low self worth is a table top, and the reasons you look down on your self are supported by the legs that hold up the table top.
Now write down on a sheet of paper the evidences you have gathered to support your issues with low self worth, each of these evidences will symbolically represent as a leg for the table. You can write down as many evidences as possible even though the standard table has four legs. Once you have written down your evidences, write down on a separate sheet of papers, the exact opposites of these evidences and how they will support the new worthwhile you.
For example, if you believe that you are surrounded by people who do not care about you, as evidenced by the current people in your life, then you write down what it would be like to be surrounded by people who do care about you and who in return you care about.
You will then write down what changes you can start taking in your life to be surrounded by people who do care about you. By doing so, you will be faced with the harsh reality of the things you do to attract uncaring people into your life. Whatever changes you write down, you will come to the realization that practicing these changes will change how you relate to others and subsequently how others relate to you.
A former client of mine, once began the practice of setting boundaries with family and friends anytime they made crude jokes he considered to be offensive. He would place these boundaries and follow through with his commitment to follow through on the boundaries if he was teased for being too sensitive. Much to his surprise he reported experiencing less conflicts with people, as he in turn had become more cognizant of the things he said to others.
This was all based on his new narrative that he would commit to being the most genuine and courageous person he could be, in all of his relationships with people.
In getting to this stage, there was on obstacle that he had to overcome, and that was learning to get past his difficult feelings.
In this previous post, I wrote about feelings, I discussed feelings being tools we use as human being to gage our accuracy of our perceptions of reality as compared to reality as is.
The most difficult part about implementing a new narrative, is getting past your difficult feelings, which usually consist of confusion, guilt, fear and shame. These feelings are false negatives that you become anchored to over the years to unhealthy narratives you formed during your early life experiences.
The most effective way to get past your difficult feelings is to do nothing. The process of doing nothing does take a lot of effort, as over the years you have developed strong neurological connections that fire in response to certain triggers to illicit certain reactions. The most effective way to do nothing is to practice deep breathing. Deep breathing exercises, invoke deep states of relaxation, leading you to become less reactive to certain triggers. A starter exercise I typically introduce clients to is the process of counting breaths from one through ten and then from back down from ten to one. After this process has been completed you will experience a deep state of relaxation, at which point you can focus on asking yourself why you are experiencing the difficult feelings you are experiencing.
With practice, you will experiencing progress in getting past your difficult feelings, making it more easier to implement your new narrative.
As effective as these techniques are, they are easier said/written than done. If you experience significant difficulty practicing these techniques, it is advisable that you see a therapist.
After all, you have one life to live. So leave no stone unturned.
Ugo is a psychotherapist and life coach.
What motivates you? Have you ever experienced a sense of determination to get something accomplished? You knew what you were going to accomplish, also you knew how you would benefit from your accomplished work or project.
It could be something as easy as cleaning a room in your home, performing a repair on something that you use, or creating something entirely new. Recently, my seven and four year olds made thirteen dollars a piece from selling lemonade and brownies at the park with their mother. They had both approached us about their desire to bake the brownies, make the lemonade and sell for some profit. My wife obliged them, and it was a success.
While the idea for the sale was borrowed from one of their teachers, what I found amazing is the drive they each had for the sale. They were both extremely motivated to accomplish this sale, and were also very confident that they would make sales and be rewarded for their hard work. All things considered their lemonade and brownie sale was a success. So if two children can find the motivation to follow through on an idea, what happens to us as adults when we experience routine bouts of poor motivation and in extreme cases, lethargy? Especially when we know we have the competency to follow through on the idea?
The answer lies in the narratives we have come to believe in ourselves.
“Though the brain is enclosed in a single skull, it is actually made of two separate lumps…which are designed to disagree with each other.” —Jonah Lehrer
In the field of neuroscience it is generally accepted that the left hemisphere is responsible for constructing positive narratives of our existence, while the right hemisphere is responsible for bringing the more pessimistic aspects of our lives into perspective. I would argue that a healthy mind is where the negative traits of a person can be taken at face value, with the addition of a positive narrative that does not corrupt the integrity of the negative narrative, so long as the negative narrative is accurate.
In other words, even if I find my feelings hurt by the number “2”, I will always agree with myself that “1 + 1 = 2, and not 3”. Therefore as I go about constructing a positive narrative, rather than ignoring or negativing the number “2”, I will bring myself to accepting “2” for the number it is.
When working with clients on increasing their experiences with motivation, the most common issue they experience are their feelings of hurt towards the scarification of their personal time towards achieving their desired goals. A common reason for this is that over the years they have come to believe in a narrative that negates the investment of their personal time towards achieving their goals. This is a very subconscious but powerful narrative, and always take precedence over the conscious narrative for achieving their desired goals.
So in other words, a common reason that adults struggle with poor motivation, is a conflict of narratives. This is due to the development and implementation of a previous narrative designed to cope with an acknowledged negative, which now interferes with the implementation and follow through of a new idea. Old narratives can be especially difficult to change, especially if they were originally put into place to cope with difficult negative narratives. Such as narratives for coping with rejection from society in various facets of our lives.
You can learn to tell yourself, believable and reality based narratives that will truly inspire you towards bringing your ideas to fruition, with an experienced therapist.
Ugo is a psychotherapist and Life Coach
A young client relayed to me an experience with bullying. The bully accompanied by a few other peers with one of them armed with a cell phone camera, began poking fun at my client. At first my client tried to ignore him, but then he allowed his anger to get the best of him. This was when he lunged at his tormentor, the fight ended quickly with the bully being the victor. What made matters worse was that everyone who witnessed the incident stated that he (my client) started the fight, which was true.
By the time my client had been brought in by his parents to see me, he was knee deep in a state of helplessness. From his perspective, even when he was most angry he was still helpless in response to being bullied. Even in the adult world, I learn about adult versions of what my client went through. One person being on the receiving end of unfair treatment from others, and decides he is not going to take it anymore and lashes out. The result being a series of natural and logical consequences the person cannot manage.
You see, the real culprit is the belief that anger is somehow a motivator for overcoming unfair treatment from others or life challenges. I have read about this myth of anger in blogs, magazine articles and witnessed it being said in video logs. Anger does not inspire courage, anger is a natural occurring emotion that arises when we have come to believe that our humanity is being disregarded by someone or others. The process of using courage to stand up for one’s self actually comes the belief that you are confidence in practicing necessary acquired skills to stand up for yourself. Such a belief comes from the evidence of you practicing those acquired skills in similar situations.
So when the bully got the best of my client, it was because he was in better shape to do so. Or in the second example, where the person is unable to use his words to state his boundaries, it’s because he lacks the practice of having to assert himself in situations with high conflict.
Anger is a natural occurring emotion, that is most useful for infants and children. This is because all infants and children know are their needs and that their parents and guardians are responsible for getting those needs met. As the child matures, the parents teach him that he is responsible for getting his needs met and managing his emotions. This is where the traits of competency, confidence and courage from acquiring and practicing skills start to emerge.
In this video I discuss my professional opinion on the subject of anger and courage.
Most of what we learned in our earlier years, to include what most children learn today can be described as prescriptive. With prescriptive being what we are told to do, without a good explanation for why. Well in this post, I will be giving a simple explanation in regards as to the science in letting go of resentments.
When we are wounded by the actions of someone, it is natural to become angered, and in some cases experience a desire for retaliation. The problem with giving into this desire is that it leads you down a path where you find yourself drawn into a world of victims and perpetrators. Every type of person that could possible exist already exists, so you are pretty much guaranteed to find the types of people you keep a lookout for, because by looking out for these types of people, you consequently think like them. This where the saying, “like minds attract” come from.
For example, when I work with people who experience bullying, I get them to see and understand how they are unknowingly enabling their suffering, based on their focus on the hostility in the relationship. By getting them to focus on the type of relationship they deserve, they quickly come to realize how they have placed themselves in the company of the bully on several occasions. The same principle applies to forgiveness, by focusing on the types of relationships you want, or the types of people you would like to be drawn to, you inevitably find yourself drawn to the task of healing and moving on. When you focus on retaliation, you find yourself paying more attention to people who remind you of the person who wounded you. Initially this may seem like the right thing to do, because you tell yourself that by focusing on those types of people you are preparing to defend yourself and protect yourself from future wounding.
However this is a trap, because (as mentioned earlier) everything that could possibly exist, exists all at once, so if you are seeking hostile relationships you will have no problems attracting hostile people, based on similarities in your thought process.. Eventually, if a significant period of time goes by where all you lookout for and see are hostile people, then you will either exist in a perpetual state of victim hood, become a victimizer yourself, or both.
Focusing on healing takes more courage, because you put yourself in the position of taking more risks in establishing healthier relationships, and subsequently pursuing your goals. Since everything exists at the same time, it is more worthwhile and likely that you will establish healthier relationships, if you look for them.
Ugo is a psychotherapist and Life coach.
In this video, I discuss the process of creating a healthy and realistic narrative that leads to authentic self acceptance.
I recently came across this article on the American Psychology Association website that discussed the pain of rejection. In the article the author discussed research studies that have shown how painful rejection from certain groups and social classes are to people in general.
My response to the article is straight forward, rejection by itself is not painful. What makes rejection painful is our interpretations of rejection. If you are raised to believe that you must always be accepted by others, or that it is bad for others to reject you, then naturally you are going to experience emotional pain whenever you experience rejection because you believe something bad and terrible is happening to you.
What I have found with people who struggle with dealing with rejection is that they usually lack a healthy narrative regarding their sense of identity. Often, the worse the person’s fear of rejection is, the more scarce his or her sense of identity is.
So what do I mean by a sense of identity? A sense of identity can be described as a person’s concept of what beliefs and values he or she adheres to combined with his or her heritage. I have noticed that people who have a solid grasp of what their beliefs and values are have no issues accepting others rejection of them. People who don’t have a solid grasp or understanding of what their beliefs and values are, more likely to give into social pressure to conform to certain trends or fads.
The problem with societal trends, is that in other to fit into that particular group practicing the trend, you have to conform to certain attributes that are our of your control to change and are often based on vanity. So if you find yourself struggling to deal with rejection, there is a high likelihood that you have bought into an artificial narrative created by someones who did not have you in mind. You may have bought into this narrative because you admired the people who practiced the narrative, and there is nothing wrong with that, however in the absence of a solid sense of self, you find yourself dependent on others to define who you are. This is an impossible feat, because the only one who can define and accept you unconditionally is you. This means that in the absence of self acceptance is self rejection, and your experiences of rejection from others will only serve as a reminder of your rejection of self.
When we first come into the world, the first people we socialize with are our parents. Our parents and guardians are tasked with accepting us unconditionally, thereby role modeling for us unconditionally self acceptance, as you can imagine there are a number of things that could go wrong with this process. The reality is that parents who don’t have a strong and healthy sense of self, have very little to teach and pass on to their children in regards to the formation of a healthy identity. I have also noticed that parents who have not passed on a healthy narrative to their children, are often strong advocates for discouraging any and all types of rejection in society.
People who have been fortunate to have developed a healthy sense of identity in their younger years, their experiences of being rejected are not only few and far in between, but not painful. The reason for this is because of the phenomenon that there is someone for everyone. Even when faced as a minority in a certain environments, people who are genuinely accepting of themselves, often will establish relationships with like minded people.
For clients who have had little experience in living out a healthy narrative, I guide them through the formation of healthy narrative that embodies a dignified sense of identity. So what does a healthy narrative look like? In my next post I will discuss what a healthy narrative consists of.
Ugo is a psychotherapist and life coach.
Would you knowingly expose yourself to an infectious disease? If you are sound of mind, chances are that you will say no. Further, the reason you will most likely say no is because you have an appreciation for how vulnerable your physical self is.
Our awareness of our vulnerability as human beings, (on a physical level) alters the choices we make. Collectively, so few of us willingly take risks that puts our physical being in danger.
Bad idea #1: You lack intellect.
No two brains are the same, and everyone has the ability to gain awareness of truths in and out of their lives to solve their problems. When people buy into the idea that they are not intelligent, self fulfilling prophecy takes precedence. They lose interest in seeking the truth and live a life where they transition from one crisis to another where, due to their difficulty in making predictions, they would have been able to make if they possessed awareness of the truth.
Bad idea #3: You are worthless.
How to prevent yourself from buying into bad ideas.
Prevention method #1:
Prevention method #2:
Prevention method #3:
Ugo is a psychotherapist and life coach.
Recently I was speaking with a client of mine who expressed feeling handicapped with her feelings of fear. She is in the process of leaving a corporate job she works for, with plans to open up a small retail business. She reported being terrified of failing at her small business, more specifically she was frightened about what others would think about her if she was not successful with her business. Then she asked for suggestions about what to do about her fear.
I responded by asking her why she was leaving her corporate job, and after a few minutes of pondering, she stated that she feared spending the best years of her life working for a company that she disliked, in a position she found utterly miserable. She further stated that she feared becoming an older woman like some of her coworkers, having given the best years of her life to a company with very little to show for her years of hard work.
I then asked her which of the two fears she had identified, she feared the most. The one where she fails at her business and gets looked down upon by her family and friends, or the other where she gives away her youthful energy to her employer and matures into an older woman with having accomplished very little in her career.
Without hesitation she stated that remaining stuck with her employer was her biggest fear. I then informed her to use this fear as her fuel for motivation. So every time she finds herself fearing possible failure in her business, she considers the alternative, which is to remain with her employer. The idea is that she would be so motivated to not find herself in that predicament, that coping with her fear of failing at her business would become relatively easier.
This was part one for how to deal with fear. The second part is to practice positive thinking. We attract what we think, so instead of worrying about how her business could fail, I asked her to focus on how her business could succeed. In doing so she would pay more attention to how people in her niche have succeeded with their businesses, and incorporate their strategies for success into hers. This would then increase the likelihood of her business succeeding, thus leading to a positive self fulfilling prophecy.
While on the topic of positive thinking, you should really get a copy of Pam Grout’s E-Squared. The title is a play on Einstein’s theory of relativity and features nine do it yourself experiments that prove your thoughts really do create your reality.
Ugo is a psychotherapist and life coach.