There are two types of regret, big regrets and small regrets. An example of a big regret would be accidentally killing a someone, while driving drunk. Obviously, this would be a difficult experience to recover from, giving that you have no way to truly make amends to the family of the person. Your process of healing would take a great deal of courage to self-forgive, improve your life and experience the guilt free happiness you desire and deserve.
Then there are the small regrets. As painful as big regrets are, small regrets are more difficult to deal with, because they are difficult to identify, all the while influencing your every decision making. Small regrets come from issues such as procrastination, and feelings of shame from experiencing everyday failures people typically experience in life. The primary problem with small regrets is that unless identified, they keep people stuck in old and detrimental habits. Every day you engage in the same types of routine, while life outside of yourself progresses forward.
People with unresolved small issues of regret, are stuck in their non-conscious states of anxiety, related to making the same mistakes again, that they seldom make steps in improving their lives. The good news is that it is possible to move past small and accumulated issues of regret, even if you are having a difficult time, identifying them.
First you must identify where you would currently like to be in your life. As simple as this exercise is, some people have a difficult time completing it, because they get caught up with what they perceive as possible and what they don’t. The key to successfully completing this exercise, is to suspend your beliefs and create the life you want for yourself on paper. Suspending your beliefs is beneficial for this exercise, because you are trying to access your feelings of joy. A joyful mindset is exactly what you need towards tackling and overcoming challenges in your life.
Secondly, it’s important to note that feelings of joy can not be accomplished from external sources, most notably, approval and acceptance of others. Your feelings of joy can only be accomplished from your unconditional approval and acceptance of yourself and subsequently others. The exercise helps to rekindle you with feelings of joy because it puts you in a mindset where you are no longer anxious, overwhelmed or depressed with the current challenges you experience in your life. The joy does not come from the imagined acquisition of material possessions or approval of any second or third parties, but instead the joy comes from the recognition that you possess the power to influence peace in your life.
It is with this joyous mindset that you can transition past feelings of regret regarding past decision making that have led you to experience unwanted consequences in your life. Further, this joyous mindset will aid you in identifying steps you will take in real life to begin the process of creating the life you want for yourself.
This process is easier said than done, as most people who attempt this exercise on their own, will get lost in their unhealthy thoughts which reinforce their experiences of anxiety and depression. As common sense as the exercise is, you will experience a high chance of success working with a trained professional who will guide you through the challenges created by your perceptions.
“The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.”
It is not uncommon for me to run into a potential client who is seeking to change a detrimental habit. The habit can range anywhere from issues with procrastination to substance abuse. In the process of gathering more information from the client. I encounter a pattern of unhealthy thinking and behaving that is prevalent in all areas of the clients’ life.
Upon bringing this to the attention of the client, I receive a response that the only thing he or she wants to work on is changing the specific habit they complained about, and nothing else. Well, this is a problem, because everything about us is interwoven. This means that while we are working on cognitive strategies to change thoughts and behaviors regarding the identified behavior, the client continues to engage in his established pattern of thinking and behaving in other areas of his life, which only reinforces the bad habit he wants to change.
The idea that we can departmentalize our behaviors is a misunderstanding, A misunderstanding because some people experience significant success in some areas of their lives than other areas of their lives. The simple reason for this is because in the areas they have experienced more success, they invested more time. Regardless, if you are experiencing negative consequences due to chronic detrimental behavior you engage in, it is based on your mindset, or simply put, an unhealthy mindset you adhere to. This means that for people who struggle with unhealthy behaviors, while simultaneously experiencing success in another area of their life, then they have experienced that success in spite of their unhealthy mindset. Furthermore, in the absence of the identified unhealthy mindset, they would achieve even more success in the area or areas they are already excelling in.
Ultimately, the ability to identify a need to change, and the preference to cherry pick what type of change will occur, is a primitive instinct. Meaning that we want to experience positive changes in our lives with little cost or sacrifice.
It is also important to note, that for those who embrace focusing on the whole versus the parts, the process of changing your entire life is counter intuitive in that you only focus on your mindset and become cognizant on when and how you practice change in all areas of your life.
Ugo is a psychotherapist and owner of Road 2 Resolutions PLLC.
My best friend and my worst enemy all reside within me. Further, I believe this paradox applies to each one of us. This maybe upsetting to some people, particularly those who have experienced wrong doing at the hands of other people. Some might even see it as victim blaming.
However this is empowerment. You see, the idea that life would be better if people doing bad things would stop doing bad things, is a fallacy. This is because, in a perfect world even if every single human being stopped doing bad things, our personal challenges would still remain. Furthermore, just thinking about everyone choosing the path of goodness, brings to your awareness, just how unrealistic it is. At least for me it does.
Which brings me to my primary argument, the focus on other people in our lives being well behaved is a distraction from ourselves, specifically the issues we struggle with. Such as procrastination, depression, anxiety, etc. The types of issues we know deep down is keeping us from doing our best, as the years pass us by. The type of issues we intuitively know, that if we don’t improve, we would be at the mercy of life’s challenges. Yes, this includes people who enjoy victimizing others.
The important thing is to recognize that you are your own worst enemy, so that you can make friends with yourself (sooner than later) and start treating yourself well.
Ugo is a psychotherapist and life coach
One of my favorite exercises to give a client who has announced his readiness for change, is the narrative exercise. The narrative exercise, involves a person writing out of narrative, or a story line where he lives out his desires, or the type of change he desires to experience in his life. This exercise is only as potent as the willingness of the writer to be honest, this is because what gets revealed in the first draft of a honest narrative, is a series of logical fallacies.
In case you are wandering, a logical fallacy simply means an error in reasoning. In the first draft of narrative exercises, I witness clients make logical fallacies whereby the logic they use in an attempt to construct a new reality for themselves, contradicts the existence of important variables they have not accounted for. As a result, the error in reasoning occurs when the person’s happiness becomes dependent on the outcome of his en-devour as opposed to his process of pursuing the en-devour.
An example would be a writer’s motivation for writing a book; if his motivation is primarily based on selling a lot of copies of the book and making a bestseller’s list, his process in writing the book would becomes difficult. As opposed to a more humble approach of writing a book solely for the benefit of a specific audience. The latter is more attainable, because little to nothing is compromised as the author uses his authenticity to connect with his targeted audience.
In other words, chances are that the reason you are reluctant towards practicing the changes you desire in your life is because it simply makes no sense to your subconsciousness. If you can agree that your subconsciousness only understands information on a prescriptive level, versus a descriptive level, the nuances of what you really desire to accomplish will become lost to the subconsciousness, if the information for the change you desire contradicts itself on a prescriptive level.
A narrative exercise will expose the irrationality of your beliefs and desires and will become the first step in your guidance towards producing a healthier and more believable story.
Believable stories we tell ourselves, motivate us in following through with our commitments.
Ugo is a psychotherapist and life coach.
You have to be at work by 9am in the morning, you are just now waking up at 8:20am. Knowing fully well that it takes you about thirty minutes to get ready for work, you spring out of bed. Regardless of what excuses you give yourself, the reality is that you premeditated this. How? You premeditated your oversleeping because you did not set the intent to wake up at a specific time where you would have had plenty of time to perform your morning routine and arrive at work on time. Prior to going to bed the night before, you knew that you were running into trouble once you did not visualize what your routine in the morning was going to be like and you probably lied to yourself.
If you recall all the times you have successfully followed through with an endeavour, what you will most likely recall is that you visualized it happening before it happened. You knew what you were going to do, you anticipated obstacles in your path and how you were going to get around those obstacles. So what happens when we procrastinate? What happens when we fall short from achieving our desired goals, not because of things not going our way, but due to our failures in following through on certain things?
What happens is fear, and even more specifically our unwillingness to acknowledge our fears. Let’s say for example that you have a fear of speaking in public, and your supervisor recently confided in you about management’s interest in you for a new leadership position. You get excited about the job, then it dawns on you, this leadership position requires a lot of public speaking and presentations. You want the job, for all the perks that come with the job, but you do not want the burden of dealing with your fear of public speaking. So you choose to take the passive route by not making any decisions, and you instead give management the impression that you are interested in the job. Not only to you fail to make a solid decision to yourself, you also fail to visualize yourself thriving in that role.
In the absence of a conscious intention for what you want, your subconsciousness will default to making the best decision on your behalf which is designed to protect you from fears. Hence chronic episodes of procrastination. Using the example given at the start of this post, after several occurrences of tardiness, management will take you less seriously for the new job and you would have successfully sabotaged yourself.
This is the story of how procrastination usually occurs, there is fear or reluctance to engage in something, but due to social pressure you go along with it. However you make no plans in your head, nor do you set any intention to follow through, it’s as if you have decided that you will go along with the flow of things and whatever happens will simple happen.
The reality is that as human beings we all have power, specifically the power to influence the world around us. It is important to note that the feats we have achieved in our lives, were achieved because we wanted to achieve them, no one can bring us happiness in our lives but ourselves. This is why it is important to honest with ourselves regarding what we desire and do not desire.
So how do you overcome procrastination? You overcome procrastination by fearlessly setting your intention for what you want to accomplish. If you are having difficulty visualizing it in your mind then write it down as a narrative. In this post, I discussed the importance of using narratives in creating the futures we desire. Writing down your intention as a narrative allows you to play out potential obstacles you are most likely to encounter in a virtual world, which gives you leverage in predicting and developing plans for how to overcome certain obstacles prior to experiencing them.
Once your fears have been acknowledged and you have planned accordingly using the narrative technique, you will find that it becomes easier to set your intentions visually.
Ugo is a psychotherapist and life coach.
Which came first the chicken or the egg? This is a question that plagues us in all facets of our lives, and all fields of study notwithstanding. Take for example, the field of psychology. It is not uncommon to read about most medical professionals and biologist identify dopamine, a neurotransmitter produced in the brain as a primary determinant for how motivated a person is. There is truth to this, for example if you used a positron emission tomography (PET) scan to identify and measure dopamine production in the brain of a healthy person, you will find increased dopamine production and activity in response to the anticipation of a reward.
This then raises the question, is motivation based on genetic factors that predispose people to a certain type of chemical disposition, or does experience in a person’s natural environment, or environment of origin influence the chemical disposition of a person’s brain? Consider this study by Vanderbilt University, where researchers using a PET scan, determined that a person’s willingness to work hard was determined by his or her dopamine levels. The problem I have with this study is that the researchers did not go in depth into why the differences in dopamine levels existed in the first place, they simply measured dopamine activity on certain tasks, drew their conclusions and called it a day.
As a clinician who believes in neuroplasticity, (the brains’s ability to rewire itself based on stimuli), I suggest that the brain’s ability to produce certain levels of dopamine is influenced by the beliefs of the participants. For example, people who believe that they are capable of completing a hard task and earning a reward, are probably most likely to have increased dopamine activity as opposed to people who view themselves as incompetent when it comes to completing difficult tasks. Proof of the brain’s ability to rewire itself can be found in this study where, cocaine addiction, followed by chronic relapses was determined to have been caused by cocaine-induced neuroplasticity changes in the brain. Where chronic abuse of cocaine led to the brain to rewire itself to become dependent on cocaine for motivation.
So if neuroplasticity is true, (which it is) how does one increase their level of dopamine production naturally without resorting to unhealthy habits? One technique would be to visualize the outcome of your goals and embrace the process towards realizing these outcomes. Life in the modern world is more complicated than life in the wilderness, which humans beings originally evolved to thrive in. The reason for this is that the process of stalking and hunting game, foraging for food or cultivating food is more linear and straightforward than finding employment in a high salary paying job. With the latter, not only do you have to be qualified for the job, but you also have to have a good relationship with someone high up in the hierarchy in the industry, not to mention experience. So while hunting for game in the wilderness might require patience, it would be fueled by certainty if you have an understanding of the game you are hunting, such as knowing where to find them. With finding a high paying job, despite your qualifications, you may become intimidated if you were not raised in the same socio-economic background as the people you would need to apply to for the job, and this level of intimidation might reduce your dopamine levels, thus reducing your level of motivation in applying for said high salary job.
Personally, I think motivation is relative, which leads me to suggest that dopamine levels are also relative. For example, for experiences in which I have excelled at, my dopamine levels become increased when faced with a goal to accomplish, versus experiences in which I have had little success at, in which my brain responds by producing reduced levels of dopamine. In following through with the technique mentioned in the previous paragraph, if you are faced with a need to follow through on a goal in which you have little experience in, it becomes a matter of recollecting the best of your previous achievements, regardless of how different that goal was, applying the work ethic you used towards your visualization of success with the new and foreign goal, and following through with faith in yourself.
Ugo is a psychotherapist and life coach.
One thing about chronic procrastinators is that they are extremely thoughtful. So thoughtful that if you ever find yourself discussing with any of them why why they have yet to initiate a task, they tell you in some detail how they believe their partaking in the task is going to turn out. Usually the story transitions into how the process would turn out to be a waste of their time due to circumstances they are certain that they wouldn’t overcome.
The following is a technique that was inspired by my transition into using Linux as my primary operating software. Given the the number of issues I kept encountering with my windows software in spite of spending good money on anti virus software, I debated going over to Mac, but was reluctant to ditch my computer all together. So I explored the idea of Linux Ubuntu. Before I installed Ubuntu on my pc, I installed Ubuntu virtually into my windows environment, so I could compare the pros and cons before making my final decision. Needless to say I was so impressed, that Ubuntu became my primary operating system.
The virtual installation of Ubuntu in my Windows program was enabled by a software called the virtual box, which pretty much enabled me to test run any software before properly installing it on the computer. I found this process to be ingenuis because in the event issues with the software were to be detected, my computer would not be compromised.
So that what’s this anti procrastination technique is based on, you pretty much create a narrative of what you are specifically going to do accomplish any long term or short term goal. Without experiencing any unpleasant consequences, until you actual implement the narrative.
So let’s say that you are planning to write a short novel, and you are procrastinating on starting the project. What most procrastinators would do in regards to their thoughts about this project would be to think through to the completion of the novel, and determine how difficult it would be for them to get published and then never start the project.
With the virtual narrative technique, instead of worrying about rejection letters you are going to receive from agents and publishers, you instead focus on the story you are going to write. So you begin with some research by asking by asking yourself and answering a few questions. Such as, why will you be writing this story? For whom will you be writing this story for and what evidence you have that they will be willing to spend money on reading this story?
This would be the first phase of your narrative creation, which you will document. The next phase of your narrative creation would to determine the actual process you will use to write the story and how long the process will take. For example, you could start by dedicating forty-five minutes of your time every day to writing your story, with the intention of sticking to this writing schedule for twenty-one consecutive days. The twenty-one days is actually the meat of the plan, because most people would look at forty-five minutes for twenty-one days as a small sacrifice. Heck, that’s sacrificing some television time, particularly those mind numbing reality shows.
After the twenty-one days, anything is possible, meaning that you will become more proficient at writing that you will probably develop the discipline to write longer, write more in forty-five minutes or more than likely, a combination of both. I have found that the combination of researching into the how and why a goal is going to be accomplished, coupled with the twenty-one day commitment, is enough to motivate most people into taking action.
Why? Probably because they realise on a deeper level that regardless of whether or not they set out to accomplish what they intended in the long run, that they will inevitably accomplish something about themselves in the twenty-one days. A big part of the reason is that the twenty-one day period becomes somewhat of a mystery to them. They know that they are going to experience some cognitive changes from the commitment of practicing a skill everyday for the next twenty-one days, but to what extent?
I have also found that for clients who have properly honored their twenty-one commitment, close to the end of the twenty-one day trial they usually will come to the appointment with clearer definitions regarding what they are going to be specifically doing for the next thirty to two sixty days. In short, they learn to embrace the process.
Ugo is a psychotherapist and life coach.
Would you knowingly expose yourself to an infectious disease? If you are sound of mind, chances are that you will say no. Further, the reason you will most likely say no is because you have an appreciation for how vulnerable your physical self is.
Our awareness of our vulnerability as human beings, (on a physical level) alters the choices we make. Collectively, so few of us willingly take risks that puts our physical being in danger.
Bad idea #1: You lack intellect.
No two brains are the same, and everyone has the ability to gain awareness of truths in and out of their lives to solve their problems. When people buy into the idea that they are not intelligent, self fulfilling prophecy takes precedence. They lose interest in seeking the truth and live a life where they transition from one crisis to another where, due to their difficulty in making predictions, they would have been able to make if they possessed awareness of the truth.
Bad idea #3: You are worthless.
How to prevent yourself from buying into bad ideas.
Prevention method #1:
Prevention method #2:
Prevention method #3:
Ugo is a psychotherapist and life coach.