The television show, “Lie to Me,” I suspect helped popularize the science of reading facial expressions and body language to ascertain if someone is lying or telling the truth. As someone who works in the field of human psychology, I can attest to have read a lot of literature on the science of how to tell if someone is lying. And the result? Well, as far as lying goes, the results are inconclusive. The information on reading someone’s nonverbal cues, is primarily consistent in determining someone’s attitude and feelings towards you and others. I primarily use this information for my work with Asperger clients.
However, there is one way to become an expert lie detector, and that is to become more cognizant of the lies we tell ourselves. We are emotional creatures, while our emotions primarily act as a gauge to tell us whether things are going our way or otherwise, we also can be creative. This means that we can find more than one use, for tools and abilities. So, while our emotions serve as a gauge of things going our way or not, we also tend to trick ourselves into experiencing favorably emotions so as to avoid painful truths.
So, if you are in any type of a relationship with someone, and you are concerned about if they are lying to you. The answer to your question lies in your ability to determine if you are lying to yourself. From intimate relationships to relationships with colleagues, if you are concerned about honesty in the relationship, you should ask yourself if you have excused any behavior exhibited by that person which would be inconsistent with the formal and informal terms and agreements on how you two should treat each other in the relationship. If you have answered yes to that question, the next step you should take would be to identify the frequency of the behavior along with how you enable the behavior.
Chances are that you have lowered your expectations for relationships in general, and subsequently you have lowered expectations for yourself as person. This is usually due to low self-worth issues from early life experiences. To become effective at detecting your own self-deceit, you must first identify what it is you desire. This requires you to take a full accounting and inventory of yourself, this must be done objectively and with compassion. Often, people find it a lot easier to do this with a therapist or life coach.
By being honest with yourself, you are forced to habitually reassess your habits for the better, which makes it difficult, if not highly improbable for you to be manipulated by others. The con artist uses the greed and short sightedness of his mark to his advantage. Likewise, someone who lies to you, uses your character deficits, be it an eagerness to please, a desire to fulfil a role, or any other character flaw to their advantage for the lie to be successful.
So, the next time, you believe or suspect that you are being lied to, ask yourself what you could be doing on your end to facilitate the lie. Are you on an ego trip? Do you feel that you must control the situation? Are you taking things too personally? And so on and so forth.
“Deception may give us what we want for the present, but it will always take it away in the end.” -Rachel Hawthone
A morbidly obese client who was working on getting back to a healthier weight, informed me that she only just noticed her obesity a month prior to booking an appointment with me. According to her, while she readily admits that she has always had a weight issue, she informed me that she had no idea that her weight had gotten this out of control.
A teacher who recently received feedback from two of his students. In the feedback, they informed him that his lessons where disorganized, and that he was inconsistent in his punctuality in getting their assignments back to them. This teacher would share with me, how this feedback caught him off guard, especially when other students shared with him that this feedback was accurate. The teacher was caught off guard because he had also prided himself with having very organized lesson plans.
To varying degrees people suffer from the illusion of living their lives as who they believe themselves to be, as opposed who they really are. The primary culprit for this cognitive distortion is our strong desire to feel good about ourselves. Desires to see ourselves in a positive light can subconsciously pull us away from any process of taking accountability. Systems we are aware off which we can use to maintain accountability, such as a weight scales, feedback sheets, daily documentation, etc. can create feelings of negativity in us, which can easily be internalized. People who were raised with the belief system where their self worth was directly correlated with their behavior, are most likely to avoid systems of accountability. If you believe negative or critical feedback means that you are a bad person and you don’t want to feel like a bad person, then why bother? Especially when you could always construct a narrative which you feel good about.
When left unchecked the results of self delusion can be disappointing to devastating, as evidenced from the first two examples above. From the morbidly obese woman, who found herself literally fighting for her life, when she came to a place of acceptance regarding what her health was really like, to the teacher who spent years in a profession stuck on being mediocre. So how does a person protect themselves from becoming self deluded?
The first step is to practice accepting yourself unconditionally. Acceptance of self, is to accept unconditionally, the part of you that is aware or conscious, that is to accept your humanity. You accept your humanity simply because you exist. Your acceptance of your humanity has to be unattached to actions, subsequent accomplishments or failures you experience, you simply accept yourself because you exist.
Acceptance of yourself allows to you to experience negative feelings and not personalize these feelings, instead you come to see feelings are messages. For example, in general positive feelings indicate that there is congruency between what you believe and what you are experiencing and negative feelings indicate that there is a lack of congruency between what you believe and what you are experiencing. Furthermore in other to protect yourself from coming to believing in feelings that communicate false positives and false negatives, you employ systems of accountability, so that you get into the habit of collecting evidence to verify or refute your feelings.
Our ability to deal with negative feelings comes from accepting ourselves unconditionally.
Ugo is a psychotherapist and life coach.