Questions and Advice for the week of May 19, 2008
May 21, 2008
Loving your family
Dear Ugo,
i'm 15/f and lately i've been feeling
distant from my parents. we're never on the same page about anything.
and i made a little mistake when school let out and now they don't
trust me at all. and my sisters and i are always fighting. and they
both wanna copy everything i do. one of them is a brat and future
slut and the other is completely behind on EVERYTHING in life. shes
almost 13 and she refuses to shave, wear deodorant, and wear bras.
and they are always bugging me and never leave me alone. and i just
wish they'd leave me alone.
i know they love me, but i don't
think i love them the way i used to. i mean i don't HATE them, but i
don't love them. i know this is really bad and i cant talk to my
rents about it. my friends understand where i'm getting at but if i
try to explain to my parents they'll just get upset and hurt and i
don't wanna hurt them.
i used to be really close with my dad.
i used to be able to tell him everything. but now that i'm older and
getting into a lot more stuff like smoking/drinking/heated situations
and stuff? YOU CANT TELL YOUR DAD THAT. i just don't know what to do
anymore! i wouldn't mind if my parents just sent me to england to
live for eternity because i wouldn't miss my family at all.
Dear 15 y/o f,
What you are going through is not uncommon for someone your age. The fact that you have posted this question, is testimony that you care a lot about your family. It sounds that you are currently going through a period of self discovery and some of the behaviors you are engaging, will not be condoned by your family, and this is probably why you feel distant from them. The best way for people to thrive over this stage of life, is to reconnect with their parents. Granted you have no desire to tell your father the things you have been doing, but one thing you can do is to ask your parents how they overcame various struggles during their adolescent years. While there obviously will be stark differences in their experiences compared to yours, there will no doubt be similarities you can relate to in some of their experiences, and whether you agree or otherwise with their values and beliefs, understanding where your parents are coming from can help you reestablish that bond.
May 19, 2008
New Family, new kids,
Dear Ugo,
So i absolutely HATEHATEHATE babies and
anyone under the age of 10. they just really piss me off.
well my
mom made me move in with her boyfriend who has 2 sons, one of which
has a girlfriend who also lives with them. well she was pregnant. but
they induced labor yesterday (gag) because she was a week overdue
(big deal). and now its like everything revolves around that stupid
thing, and its only been ONE DAY. my mom doesn't tell me i love you
on the phone anymore she left me home alone all day today so she
could go to the hospital and go see the repugnant thing, and i know
that whenever my family comes over they're not going to want to see
me anymore its all gonna be about that monster.
so all i'm really
asking is how do i make it through all this, and how do i not kill
it, and deal with the crying, and all that shit. and most of all how
do i get over my hate. because i seriously hate ALL kids.
I
couldn't have gone with her I WASNT FREAKING HOME WHEN SHE LEFT. I
WAS WITH MY DAD. AND CAME HOME TO A DESERTED HOUSE. NO NOTE OR
ANYTHING. SHE DIDNT EVEN CALL TO TELL ME SHE LEFT. SO I CALLED AND
SHE SAID IM GOING TO THE HOSPITAL CAN YOU GET SOME MEAT OUT OF THE
FRIDGE BYE. ( sorry about caps) she always says i love you before she
hangs up and she hasn't at all since it was born. i'm not jealous, it
just hurts my feelings because its not even part of our family at
all, and i don't even get told i love you anymore. and this is an
advice site. i asked this question for ADVICE not to be criticized
because of my question.
Dear ???,
I have no idea how long your parents have been divorced, but the change in the family system that comes when a custodial parent brings someone new into the family, is usually very rough for kids and youth (especially only children); and anger and sometimes rage are common feelings that come about. The dynamics of the home has shifted, and you find yourself no longer being the primary focus of your mother's attention. Not only are you now in new territory, but your mother's boyfriend also comes with his own family, and possibly issues that you are forced to deal with. New borns being the helpless and loving beings they are, demand a lot of attention around the clock, so you have gone from a relatively calm household to a busy one, and this could be the source of your anger.
These words being written, I am troubled by your “ hate for children” and your request for advice on “ how not to kill the baby”. I have three advices for you:
Please move in with your father/ if you are met with resistance on this request, please confide with your mother what you are going through.
You present with issues of false entitlement; you should be the one to initiate the “I love you” statements to your mum, whether in person or over the phone. I am positive she will return the sentiment.
Please see a therapist, while your anger is understandable, moving in with your mother's boyfriend and all, you have sat on that anger for too long without exploring real feelings which contribute to that anger. I do believe you are jealous, for the simple fact that you now have to share your mother's attention with others in the household.
Good luck.
Questions and Advice for the week of May 12, 2008
May 16, 2008
Counselor
Dear Ugo,
Tonight was the last straw and my Mom said tomorrow morning she's calling someone for me to talk to because she's done with my crap. I did explode tonight... but I'm not going to someone to talk to "because they care" when they obviously don't considering there getting paid awesome money. Why waste my parents money for my to sit in a room... and listen to some guys words. She would rather send me to some guy so she wont have to deal with the facts SHE SUCKS AS A MOTHER! I told my Dad off tonight because he was being an asshole and I told him he didn't love me because if he did he would at least try to quit smoking. He's recovering from a heart attack but has changed nothing in his life. I'm not going to some f#@king therapist because "I bottle my emotions" how to I convince my Mom i don't need to go and to stop bottling my emotions because i eventually explode even tho i don't I just don' t tell them anything because they suck at listening
Dear ???,
Therapists are not for everyone, that being written, I don't see you as the sole source of discord in the home. Everyone plays a role. It doesn't sound like you bottle your feelings up, as a matter of fact I think you are doing too good of a job in letting your parents know just how you feel. How do you communicate your feelings to your mother about seeing a therapist? And increasing the chance that she will hear you? It is a two step deal that is easier written than done;
First step: Recognize what you have control over and what you don't, then accept the situation and be content with it. For example you have no control over your parents' decision, and that's okay, things could be worse.
Second step: Communicate difficult and sensitive subjects with out anger. When we become angry in communication, we become aggressive and we will usually yell for the whole world to hear. This is an ineffective form of communication, because the recipient of the communication will usually not pay attention to what you are saying, but to your yelling, and aggressive tone and posture. If you are calm and cool while communicating difficult and sensitive subjects, your recipient will respond only to the contents of your message.
The first and second steps have to go together for communication to be effective, because the first step prepares you not to lose your cool if things don't go your way. Remember this is easier written than executed, if you need practice and support, it wouldn't hurt to consult with a professional.
Good luck.
May 15, 2008
Depression
Dear Ugo,
I
am dealing with a huge weigh on my shoulders. Last year I went
through the hardest time of my life. I had been with my ex-boyfriend
on and off for almost a year and a half. He moved away for school but
we hook up when he would come home. I ended up pregnant and he made
me feel like there was no way to keep the baby. I was in a horrible
state with my hormones running wild and all the added stress of
school. I was 2 months away from receiving degree. But I knew it was
going against everything I believe in.
I feel totally depressed.
Its been a year and I still have the pregnancy weight, I feel totally
guilty for what I did. It kills me inside to think about what I did.
I have no one to talk to because its such a sensitive issue. My
friends haven't been through this and I don't want to dwell my issues
on them. I lost all my confidence i feel fat and ugly because of what
I did. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel totally alone :*(
Dear ???
Your grief is normal for women who have gone through what you have. It sounds like you deeply regret your decision and you are beating your self up. I would advise that you seek counseling, because you need to forgive yourself. This incident while it is one you regret, is a symbolic one, because it represents a lot of life lessons for you to learn which will help you prosper in the future. However if you continue to wallow in depression, you will not be in a healthy state of mind to adequately process the experience. Your experience did not occur in vain; forgive yourself, you are worthwhile and you deserve to be forgiven.
May 13, 2008
Anxiety
Dear
Ugo,
i am 19f and and i have been experiencing very bad jealous and anxiety attacks. i am overly sensitive as well and it GREATLY effects my relationships with everyone. my boyfriends, friends and family. it is not good and i cant help it. idk what to do. should i see a therapist
Dear 19y/o f
I do support you in seeing a therapist, it sounds like you struggle with the unknown, and you try cope by asserting control over situations. Learning to let things go and accept the things that are out of your power will go a long ways in helping get over your anxiety attacks. It however takes time, hard work and plenty of support.
Good luck.
Parental Discord
Dear Ugo,
17/F
My
mom is always mistreating my dad. You can tell she's discontented,
but honestly that is her problem. She chose to marry my dad and he
tries his best. He just got over his depression and she is there to
pull him out of every good mood that follows. This relationship makes
me unhappy and very sympathetic for my dad. I've said so much, but
she is immune to anything I say. She refuses to go to family
counseling. I'll admit, my family doesn't have any baggage rooting
from the past, but there is no point of being in a relationship if
you aren't going to appreciate the person. Help...how can I change
her outlook?
Dear 17y.o F
While your mum choose to marry your dad, your dad also choose to marry her as well, and from the sounds of things, every day he continues to choose to stay married to your mum. While it is sad to see your parents constantly in conflict with each other, it's important for you to maintain your own level of sanity. This can be achieved by recognizing what you can control in your parents' marriage, and that is nothing. None of the fighting is your fault, and there is nothing you can ever do to make any thing right between your parents. Their issues will only be successfully resolved if both sides make a decision to put the conflicts to an end, or one or both sides makes a decision to dissolve the marriage. Sorry you don't have the power to change your mother's outlook.
Take care of yourself.
May 12, 2008
Autism
Dear Ugo,
I would like your input from all of you if Autism may have a factor on having a relationship? The reason why I am asking this is because I do suffer from autism and because of it, I seem to be avoided. Now I am one of those guys who is not a bad guy at all. I don't smoke, I drink very little alcohol and do not do drugs, and I am usually pretty quiet. Now I think the fact that I am quiet maybe another issue as well. I'm shy and may also have low self-esteem and that could be another factor as to why I don't have a girlfriend. It's very hard to find that right girl because most of the girls are always wanting a lot from guys and I just don't have the money to be doing all this stuff with them. I am in a lot of debt. I don't want a girl who is always wanting a lot of stuff, I don't like smokers or heavy alcoholics or druggies. I just want someone who will understand me for who I am, and is nice in general. Why is it hard to find that type of girl? There are some girls I would date, but live far away. I may consider internet dating too.
Dear ???
All factors play a role in having a relationship. While I am curious as to how you know you are autistic and who diagnosed you with the disorder and when? The important thing is that your issues with shyness and low self esteem is a big factor, and you gaining strength over this issue will give you permission to take risks, be assertive and meet women on your own terms.
-Good luck.
Questions and Advice for the week of May 5, 2008
May 9, 2008
Parents Vs. Psychologist
Dear Ugo,
Well I have been seeing the school Psychologist lately. To make the long story short, I've been seeing her for a few months. She says I need professional help; that what she can do for me is limited, so I need to go see someone. She tells me that since I am 18, I can sign this form to refer me to a doctor. I talked to my parents about it and they say I would be stupid for signing it. Well I am deeply depressed to the point where it's affecting my relationship with family, friends, and my boyfriend. I want to be happy again! It's just the money that is a problem for me sort of. But I am thinking well I am 18, so.. should I go sign it? What do you think?
Dear ???,
It's sounds like the support you are currently receiving from your family could be better. First and foremost, your health is the most important thing at stake here, and I would suggest you see the doctor she is referring you to. As far as money is concerned, your school psychologist should be able to direct you to community resources which can financially aid you with your clinical fees. That being written, I suspect the reason your family is reluctant for you to sign the form is because they are probably afraid that your personal information could be leaked to the wrong parties, (think prospect college). Before you sign the form, understand what you are signing and the terms of confidentiality which come with it. While confidentiality is never fully guaranteed, since you are 18, you can set reasonable boundaries (in writing) with your school psychologist and you new psychologist regarding your expectations on who has access to your records.
Good Luck.
May 8, 2008
Can this mother daughter relationship be saved?
Dear Ugo,
My mom and I have not had a good relationship my whole life. I've always lived with my grandparents except for sometimes my mom wanted me to stay with her and I did but it never lasted long. Now she lives in the basement at my grandparents house but stays at her boyfriends apartment a lot of the time. I thought we have been getting along for the last few months but lately she has been getting really mad really easy. I don't see her hardly ever anymore and when I do see her she thinks of a way to make me seem like I did something wrong and I'm such a bad kid and I'm honestly not, my grandma always tells me how good I am for being a 16 year old girl. We fight everyday that we see each other and its always about 5 minutes after saying hi to each other. Every time we get done fighting I end up crying when she leaves. She is getting her own house soon with her boyfriend but its going to be about 30 minutes away from my school and all my friends. (My 1/2 sister lives 45 mins away and she wants to be closer to her) She said I could stay at my school just tell them I live with my grandparents. I've told her I don't want to drive to school for 30 mins everyday especially with gas prices rising. And I don't want to be that far away from my friends. I've tried talking her into moving closer but she wont so there is no use in bringing that up. I'm trying to convince her to let me live with my grandparents during the school year so I can get to school but she still says no. I can never defend myself against her because she will find a way to turn it around and make me feel even worse. Another thing is that I feel she can never accept me for who I am. I'm about 200 lbs and she is constantly trying to get me to lose weight but I'm happy the way I am. I'm looking for advice on how to get our relationship to be good.
Dear 16y/o,
It sounds like you are more upset about being away from your friends and your grandparents rather than your relationship with your mother. This is understandable, because from the sound of things, your most consistent relationships have probably come from your grandparents and possibly friends in school. It also sounds like your mother wants to make up for lost time, by having you live with her full time until you are completely independent. Your relationship with your mother is not going to be saved if you live away from her. One thing you could start doing is seeking to understand where she is coming from, without resenting her for what she believes. You only feel worse in arguments with your mother because you believe you can change her point of view, and you can not. The only way you can feel better about expressing a difference of opinion with your mother, is to recognize that true acceptance comes from self acceptance.
Good luck
May 7, 2008
I think I might be going crazy...
Dear Ugo,
I
really do.
Here are my symptoms:
-I hear a constant
ringing
-I hear a heartbeat pulsing in my right ear. (This isn't
constant, it comes in phases of 20 minutes or so.)
-I become
irrationally angry with people
(This happens in public a lot. If I
go somewhere I've never been, I can become very angry for no reason
at everyone I see. I feel my heart rate increase and overall
rage.)
-I see small animals like birds and squirrels that others
claim not to see
-I get overwhelmingly dizzy
-I have a
reoccurring dream of this guy called Patrick who is very bad. He
manipulates people in the most horrible and nasty way. I am scared I
might see him in real life.
Can you assess what might be
happening to me?
Am I going crazy? What is going on?
Dear Concerned,
Based on the manner and consistency of the composition of your question, I wouldn't be in a hurry to jump into conclusions about your mental health.
Your first two symptoms sound more like a potential hearing problem than anything else. My advice to you is to get your hearing checked. As a matter of fact I will further suggest you get your self a full physical, so you can get a peace of mind.
Your tendency to become easily angered in public, coupled with you feeling your heart rate increase, might be you experiencing an anxiety attack.
I don't have enough information to render an advice, pertaining to you seeing small animals that others claim not to see, because it very well could go both ways. In regards to you actually experiencing a hallucination, or more than likely you really do see what's actually there. (Keep in mind, that small animals tend to be shy, and move very fast.)
I don't think you are going crazy, I suspect you might struggle with anxiety issues, and you might want to get your hearing checked.
Good luck.
May 6, 2008
Depression
Dear Ugo,
I
am becoming increasingly depressed.
I am dealing with a lot
of difficulties at home - my Mother hasn't been at work for several
months because she has bipolar and tried to overdose at New Year. My
sister has serious anger problems, which means that she is constantly
violent and rude. My Dad is finding the strain very difficult and
wants to leave.
These problems have been going on for years,
but around the time that it started to get much worse, I met my ex
boyfriend. He was like my security blanket and helped me to feel
happier about everything. We split up a month ago, leaving me
completely heartbroken.
On top of this, I have important
exams, which are key to my future, starting in about a week.
I
have developed severe insomnia, which I visited the doctor for. He
assessed me for depression, but after I mentioned the break-up with
my boyfriend, he decided that all my symptoms were just due to me
missing my ex and being unhappy about the split. He diagnosed me with
sleeping pills and I suffered bad side effects and they only made me
feel worse.
Now I'm not sure what to do. I have a brilliant
support network in my friends, but I am constantly snappy and
defensive and I know I can't expect them to put up with it forever.
Despite having such good friends, I am very lonely and feel like I
can't confide in anyone.
My parents know I'm unhappy and are
doing their best to support me, but the problems I mentioned
previously mean that it just isn't enough.
I need advice on
what I should do next, because all this is proving very difficult to
deal with.
Dear ???,
I would say that your depression is due to situational factors, and from the sound of things the events that taken place in your life are things you can do absolutely noting about. It's normal to feel saddened over a break up, we have no control over how people feel about us. It's also normal for anyone in your situation to feel saddened with your family life. But what can you do about your mother and sister? Nothing, except praying for them to get better, and for your father to be a more patient person. I wonder if your sleepiness is due to you fretting over what you can do to make your current situation better. My best advice is for you to find someone you can talk to and get a lot away from your chest. Perhaps a counselor at school? I would say that besides airing out your grievances, you can also work with a counselor to learn to cope more effectively with painful situations that are beyond your control.
Good luck.
Questions and advice for the week of April 28, 20008
May 2, 2008
trouble with stepdad
Dear Ugo,
me and my stepdad fight
all the time, my mom always takes his side even though he is
unreasonable. he tells my mother how to parent me and raise me even
though i am 16 years old. it makes me so mad how he patronizes me and
treats me like im 5, my mom pretends not to notice. i hate it.....
ive tried talking to her all she does is tells me he loves me and
that i should listen to him.
any advice?
thanks
Dear ???
I wonder how long your step dad has been in your life, versus how much contact you have with your biological father. It sounds like you feel your step dad has no right to tell you what to do. As long as you hold on to this belief, you will continue to be involved in fights with your step dad, and I doubt you will be winning any of these fights. Perhaps your step dad just came into your life, and the rules in the home for you have changed? Or he's been in your life for a while, and you feel you deserve more independence? Or you feel resentful towards him due to minimal contact with your bio dad? Your step dad and your mother are both your parents and are in a position of authority over you. This is not a dynamic you have any control over, accept what you cannot change and you can talk with someone towards understanding the true reasons you feel so resentful towards your step dad.
Good luck.
Newsletter for the week of May 19, 2008
Resisting Relapse.
So maybe several months, or maybe years ago, you found yourself routinely engaged in a self destructive behavior, it could be alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, and so on and so forth. Someway and somehow you recognized that things for you where headed in a dangerous direction, and you made a commitment to change, and you did. If this general scenario applies to you, good job.
During these worrisome economic times, with the cost rising fuel and food prices amongst other commodities, there is usually a domino effect that every person experiences. An example of this could be a feeling of job insecurity, creating a level of stress that a parent could bring into the home, possible resulting in conflicts with a spouse, and added stress on a child or adolescent living in said home.
A situation like this could bring up old triggers for people in the early or latter stages of their recovery from a self destructive behavior and the temptation to fall back to this old negative pattern of behavior, can be hard to resist. If you find yourself dealing with adversity, and/or you have already begun resorting back to old behaviors, you can make some mental adjustments to cope and get your self back onto a healthy track.
Mental changes involve developing more healthier and realistic beliefs you can adopt. The following are some cues you can use to get yourself back on the right track.
Remind yourself what you've been through, why you initially made the decision to change, and how worse things would be if you went back to that nasty behavior.
An analogy: The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. For the change you made, you had to pull yourself out of a hole you dug , and it couldn't have been easy. Regardless of what difficulties you are experiencing, you resorting back to old self destructive behaviors will only make matters worse for yourself. Not only will your current difficulty get worse, your resurrected behavior will come with a baggage of it's own, and then there's the issue of trust people will have for you.
Another Analogy: Tough times come and go, but tough people last. See this period of difficulty as an opportunity to strengthen your resilience towards your triggers. People only get better due to a combination of an attitude of persistence and faith in self towards difficult experiences. Improvements are never made due to periods of clam and tranquility, improvements are made because an adversity has exposed flaws, which need improvement. So in essence periods of adversities are blessings in disguise.
No matter what method you chose to redirect your thinking, it is important to remember that our beliefs play a primary role in our ability to thrive towards experiencing happiness.
Newsletter for the week of May 12, 2008
To Justify
Not too long ago there were so scientists laying claim to the powers genes had over our lives. From our personalities to our daily behaviors, of course during the years we have come to realize that this style of thinking is flawed to say the least. Fast-forward to our present day and several recent research studies have suggested that the brain is a dynamic and mysterious component of the human system that's constantly susceptible to change. Other research studies have also suggested that the human brain is an organism which constantly strives for efficiency. This brings me to my topic of the week; justification.
Why is it that we occasionally will betray ourselves from making the right decision and choosing to do what we believe to be wrong? The answer is the same reason people are susceptible to all kinds of addictions, this is because of our tendency to seek the easiest route towards the increase of pleasure and the reduction of pain. This phenomenon is popularly titled instant gratification. So how does justification fit into this mold? Well, justification is a thinking error that enables instant gratification to take place. When we are faced with a making a decision that allows us to quickly experience some degree of pleasure and such a decision contradicts our values and beliefs, justification enables us to give ourselves a pass to indulge ourselves, even if it is a behavior we don't approve of.
So given that justification is a commonly used thinking error which enables people to not only engage in behaviors they don't believe but sadly, in some cases to engage in behaviors which constitute as crimes against humanity, how do we go about teaching ourselves to become more consistent with our beliefs and monitoring our use of justification?
The answer is to practice humility; given that the two most popular types of justification use involve the beliefs of superiority and the beliefs of the victim stance, it is important for each of us to challenge our belief system and work towards adopting one that empowers us to humble ourselves towards overcoming any type of adversity. When we adopt beliefs that tell us we are better than others or beliefs that tell us we are unfortunate victims due to trauma suffered and survived and therefore the world is owed to us, we trick ourselves into believing that our wrong doings or behaviors which go against our values are justified.
In truth, any behavior which goes against shared morals and values, can never be justified, it is simply a situation were we have become complacent and deceived ourselves. In truth, when we justify, we are simply looking for a short cut towards getting gratified.
Newsletter for May 5, 2008
Finding Joy in Routines
I once heard a story about a nun who found herself cornered at the edge of the cliff by an unspecified number of tigers in front of her. When she turned around and stared down the cliff's edge, she saw an even larger number of tigers circling below. As the story goes on, the nun then noticed a strawberry bush with ripe strawberries. Looking again at the hungry tigers before her and recognizing her predicament, this nun calmly reached for a strawberry and began slowly eating this strawberry.
Now when I first heard this story, the meaning was lost unto me, sure I understood that the morale being put forth was about being able to stay present and enjoy each and every moment in our lives. But it wasn't until I began specializing in cognitive behavioral psychology, that I remembered the story, and I finally internalized the meaning of the story. Last week I wrote about changing old habits, and this week's article goes a little bit more into depth into changing old habits through routines.
Last week I identified two primary steps towards changing an old (and presumably) self destructive habit, with the first being to cease the old habit, and the second step being to adopt a new healthier one.
So say you are a habitual smoker and you are on a commitment to stop, you have enlisted the firm and loving support of loved ones, you have taken to morning walks as well as other healthy behaviors geared towards replacing your urge to smoke. Then you say to your self;
“This is a difficult process, how does it get easier?” My response would be to revert back to the story of the nun and the tigers. While hers is a situation I would wish on no one, it is important to note how she purposely enjoyed that strawberry. This is how I finally connected with that sad story, being able to find the joy in doing even what most would consider to be the mundane of things. When it comes to unhealthy behaviors, some of us, pick them up for various reasons, from a busy schedule, that comes from pursuing a goal to a desire to cope with pain. Regardless of our reasons for having unhealthy habits, when it comes to change, after ceasing the unhealthy behavior, and adopting a new behavior, in order to make the new behavior permanent, a routine has to be established. Besides the support of loved ones, and making a genuine commitment, the primary success of a establishing a routine towards a permanent change, is being able to find joy in that routine. Let's face it, routines are tedious, from simply things like household chores, basic hygiene and running errands. If one where to approach these types of routines from a technical preceptive, their tedious natures would be sorely recognized.
One sure way to teach yourself to enjoy your routines for change, to find joy in your present, is to appreciate what you have going on for you. For example, for household chores and basic hygiene, appreciate that your physical health affords you to be mobile, for there are others who need assistance with such things. Another example would be, if you are driving around on an errand, appreciate your sight, for there are those without sight, who can't drive themselves. For the nun who got cornered by the tigers, at that moment, I am willing to bet she had a lot of appreciation for her sense of taste.
Newsletter for the week of April 28th 2008 Breaking unhealthy habits. First of all, what is a habit? A habit is a behavior, that has been performed so frequently by a person, that it becomes an unconscious and almost automated response to a stimulus or trigger. This definition explains why are some habits so difficult to break. Habits that are so self destructive, that their poisonous effects gain an even more pronounced presence in several facets of a person's life, yet the habit is not stopped. Habits are usually adaptive behaviors learned by the brain to get through daily life or cope and overcome life's adversities. The more a behavior is practiced, the more efficient the brain becomes at executing the behavior, which leads to the behavior or behaviors becoming a habit. This means several and stronger connections are being formed in the neurological pathways of the brain. Types of detrimental habits, which may seem impossible to stop (but are not) are smoking, drug use, and cutting of self to name a few. Several times a week I receive letters from readers, stating an issue they are struggling with and demanding for an immediate solution. Some readers even go further to state that they do not want to be referred to a therapist. The truth of the matter is that, if you are struggling with a self destructive habit that you are having difficulty in stopping, then you have become powerless over the habit and you will need assistance in stopping the habit for good. Breaking an unhealthy habit is two fold, the first part is to cease the self destructive habit, and the second part is to replace the unhealthy habit with a healthier behavior, which hopefully over time will become a healthier habit. Given the manner in which all behaviors are learned, changing is going to be a lengthy process. Your goal is to practice the healthier behavior every time you feel an urge to engage in the unhealthy habit, the more you practice the new and healthier behavior, the stronger and more neurological connections are made in the brain, and the less you resort to the old unhealthy habit, the more the neurological pathways are weakened. Over time the urge to resort to the old and unhealthy habits is weakened. Ever wonder why some people years after stopping an unhealthy habit, suddenly resort to the old habit? A typical example would be drug addiction. This is due to a number of factors, the primary being that while neurological connections for the habit where weakened, they sometimes still exist. An example would be why many people, never forget their knowledge of how to ride a bicycle or execute a cart wheel after going several years without engaging in the behavior. This is why reinforcement of the new and learned behavior is important. People tend to forget practicing their healthy behaviors, because for some reason or the other, they stop encountering their initial triggers. Either way it is important to remember that the process to change from an unhealthy habit, especially one which is self destructive, is a lengthy one, and a process that no one should go through alone. Newsletter for the week of April 21, 2008
Flexible beliefs.
I once read a story about a village man in Congo, West Africa. He had survived a raid in his village, and when all was settled he had lost both his hands to the wickedness of a machete wielding lunatic. In the story he had initially given up on life, and had begged his wife to assist him in killing himself since he did not have the hands to do so. The bottom line is this; when I read this story there was a picture of the smiling man with his wife. The picture was taken in a physical rehab clinic, where the man was learning to use prosthetic hands. Now here was a man who had forgiven, by simply counting his blessings and moving on with his life, he had done what some people would consider impossible, he had forgiven the machete wielding lunatic.
The importance of this story for this week's newsletter is not to identify the man's mere act of forgiveness, but to highlight his act as a testimony to the flexibility of his beliefs.
I am willing to bet money that this man never thought he would some day lose his hands, "literally"; and that he would spend weeks at a volunteer rehab clinic learning to use artificial versions crafted from plastic and metal. (The things we take for granted). But he was flexible in his beliefs, perhaps not consistently, (to err is human), but nevertheless flexible.
So what does it mean to be flexible with our beliefs? It simply means being willing to be open to the possibilities is regards to a course of action when dealing with an adversity. Too often we set ourselves up for failure when we set absolute guidelines regarding what course of we would take in the face of specific adversities, and to the extent of deceiving ourselves into thinking that certain adversities cannot occur in our lives. Such methods of reasoning usually lead to catastrophes in our lives and the lives of others, in the event of said adversity occurring. A good example would be a decision to resort to force in dealing with perceived bully, (i.e, taking a gun to school), another would be declaring war on another person in response to a verbal insult and so on and so forth.
As human beings we are meant to encounter adversities, most of which we thrive over, this is how we grow and learn, from our first steps to our first jobs. None of us are above bad experiences, and keeping a flexible approach towards all problems is what allows us to find solutions, and thrive in our lives.
Newsletter for the week of April 14, 2008
The process of changing
The past three newsletters have focused on the principles of being able to resolve conflicts and coexist with others. On which the theme has been, regarding others as fellow thinking, and feeling beings. But the truth of the matter is that we are always living in the past; this means our present lives today have been shaped by actions we took in the past. So if in the past you have been fairly consistent in regarding others as animated objects, then chances are that you currently have a lot of burnt bridges, some of which are in a desperate need to be amended.
So how do you go about changing, if for a good deal of time others have held a negative view of you based on your actions? Think of it this way, if you found yourself at the bottom of a deep hole with no one around to help you out, the only way you could get out would be by climbing one foot at a time. This simply means you have to get to a mental space where you can genuinely accept what you cannot change, and work with the opportunities presented to you towards making amends and treating others like fellow living beings.
People who use the 12 steps of recovery to recover from addiction issues, go through a similar process of change. In which they work towards coming to a place where they genuinely accept what they cannot change, and towards the latter part of the steps they work towards making amends with others they know they have wronged.
Humility is the key to a successful process of change, you have to be able to share your process of change with someone, and perhaps a few other people who can help you stay grounded during the process. Understand that making amends to others, and changing the way you go about regarding others, will not necessary result in burnt bridges being rebuilt, as a matter of fact, others might consider you to be disingenuous. If this is the case, you should accept the situation as is, and continue your process of change for the sake of becoming better person and building new bridges.
Newsletter for the week of April 7, 2008
Making a change within yourself.
About five years ago, I was hired to facilitate a team building exercise for a small company, after the first round of exercises, a female employee made a connection between a male co worker's attitude and behavior towards one of the exercises, and his general attitude towards working with others. Essentially she accused him of consistently being insensitive and brash in his relationship with other co workers. To which he agreed and responded by saying;
“Hey that's just me you know, and I am not changing for anyone.”
This is an attitude most of us have regarding attitudes and habits which play a detrimental factor in our relationships with people in all facets of our lives. This irony about the male co worker who made this statement is that he did want to change, but he had made a decision that this couldn't be done. While processing his statement with the rest of the group, he spoke about feeling incapable to change, based on his past experiences, and more importantly, he did not know how to.
Now granted, this topic of change is a broad one, which encompasses a broad range of behaviors, from anger management to drug use. It is also important to note that every detrimental behavior requires specific interventions and coping skills in order for the change to be successful. That being written, there are fundamental factors towards facilitating change which apply to all detrimental behaviors.
Commitment:
To order to change, a commitment needs to be made. You have to have a “come to truth” with yourself and throughly believe that this change you want to make within yourself is absolutely beneficially to you and others in your life.
Support:
You've being this way for a number of years, and it order for this behavior to have become firmly established, you would have subconsciously placed your self in situations where your detrimental behavior was supported. Needless to say you would have to make a conscious effort to place yourself around the company of others who have your best interest at heart and would also benefit from your change. This stage is the most important and challenging for people seeking change, mainly because they feel that they can't receive support from others, or they don't know who to turn to for support.
One way to receive support is to recruit others, by announcing your plans to change and informing others how they can support you firmly during your change. If you are the shy type and completely lost in how to go about changing, you can always research support groups in your community where you can link up with others going through similar issues, two good examples would be overeater's anonymous, or an anger management group.
Using an effective strategy:
An example of a good effective strategy would be the 12 steps to recovery. The 12 steps originally designed for alcoholics in recovery, today and be utilized for recovery from all sorts of behavioral health issues. While there are a number of strategies out there, a good strategy is one which requires you to work with someone or someones towards a successful change.
Go slow:
In the fast paced culture we live in today, it is tempting to think that once we get all our ducks in a row that change will be complete, because it is very likely that you might relapse into your old ways. What you want to do is work towards gaining experience with your new behavior, which can be achieved through consistency. So this will involve going back and reaffirming your commitment, constantly checking in with you primary source of support,(family and friends) and reworking your strategy.
Newsletter for the week of March 31, 2008
Peace within …..part II
As posed in last week’s newsletter, how do we go about seeking peace within ourselves? It all starts with how we view ourselves, which is usually measured through how we view and treat others. There are two ways which we can view others; as feeling and thinking living beings or merely as animated objects.
Some people have laughed as this later suggestion; how is it that we can sometimes view others and even ourselves as merely animated objects? By failing to recognize that others are thinking and feeling living beings and in essence, failing to recognize ourselves primarily as feeling living beings. How else do you think in today’s world, present, recent and historic, that governments have been able to carry out acts of genocide on targeted populations? I will briefly focus of genocide; in any case of documented genocide, there are two primarily factors, the targeted population is dehumanized, giving permission for others involved in the conflict to view members of the targeted population as obstacles needing to be removed from the path of progress. The irony of this is, in order of others and their allies to view a targeted population as animated objects, they start to view themselves as animated objects as well, and they ignore their innate feelings and thoughts regarding what appeals to their humanity, and regard themselves as tools or a means by which to rid the targeted population. This is usually how human beings are able to commit the most gruesome acts, and in essence why we have encountered others if not ourselves willing to be wicked towards others to archive a goal.
So how do we achieve peace within? We do so by learning to see ourselves as thinking, feeling and living beings, and not as machines or tools. By doing so, it is inevitable that by extension we would become more empathetic towards others, by seeing them as fellow living beings with thoughts and feelings. When we are not experiencing peace within ourselves, it is not based on what external adversities we are experiencing in our lives, it simply based on how we view ourselves, failure for a person to view his or herself as a thinking and feeling living being, results in the person having (on various levels) a disregard to his or her wellbeing. An example would be people who overexert themselves in several facets of their lives, i.e work; and then to suffer in their personal relationships based on how they treat others.
The key to experience peace within ourselves, even during tough times, lies within us.
Newsletter for the week of March 24, 2008
Peace within…. Part I
Once upon a time I had a supervisor, whom my co workers and I regarded, (for lack of better words) a tyrant. I remember I had just finished a meeting with him, in which I was feeling resentful towards him, when his son and wife walked in through the front office. My then supervisor, upon seeing his family brushed past me, and went to hug his son. The look on that kid’s face was sad, and priceless. That hug my supervisor initiated with his son, told me everything I needed to know about his relationship with his son at that point in time. It wasn’t a good one. He seemed to hugging his son out of custom, and his son looked irritated and disgusted. It was at moment my feelings of bitterness towards my then supervisor subsided, I felt sorry for the man. Not only could he not relate and maintain cordial relationships with his subordinates, he could not relate and maintain a cordial relationship with his own son.
Our ability and skill to resolve conflicts and adversity extends to all facets of our lives, business and personal, just like my former supervisor. So what’s the best way to resolve conflicts in our lives? Starting from the inside out, this is what I mean by experiencing peace within. Once we get to the point, where we understand that outside events don’t shape us, but our reactions to these events do. Then it will be easier for us not to become reactive to negative comments, or find the need to change or condemn the beliefs of people we disagree with.
So how do we go about achieving peace within ourselves? It starts with us making a commitment to treat ourselves the way we want others to treat us. Which in most cases is the dignity of understanding and respect, by recognizing how we need to be treated and treating ourselves accordingly, it will be easier for us to extend the same courtesy to others in all facets of our lives.
To be continued…
Newsletter for March 17, 2008
Embracing your Anxieties
Once upon a time, I was soldier in the United States Army; actually once upon a time may be misleading as it really wasn’t long ago. I also served for a number of months in
Before leaving the country and while in Afghanistan, I received several trainings on how to spot a road side bomb, and what evasive driving maneuvers to employ in event I spotted a road side bomb, very little emphasis was given to what we would do in the event we would run over a bomb, because it was accepted knowledge that the bombs where now able to take out armored vehicles.
Before departing for every mission, my chief would look at me and say, “Sergeant Uche, you ready?”
“Born ready,” would be my response. The truth was, I was frightened and I was paranoid. I would always bring along my mp3 player, so I could feel normal. Pretend I was back in
On one of my final missions, we had linked up with another unit, to which we were to provide logistical support for; after the briefing I got into my vehicle only to find a superior sergeant as a new and unannounced passenger. After exchanging pleasantries, he asked me if I was scared. I hesitated with this question, I wanted to say no, but I felt too proud to lie to this man.
“Yes I am,” I replied.
“Good, now I feel safe,” he smiled at me.
Those words changed my attitude towards my anxiety, I understood where he was coming from and I agreed. If I truly wasn’t scared, the chances of me making a common and fatal error during the mission would be high. It was my anxiety which guided me towards making wise decisions at all times, granted my anxiety at the time, was pretty high, but appropriate for the situation.
Too often when people experience anxiety in any facet of life, they try their best to get rid of it.. What happens instead is that the anxiety worsens, sometimes evolving into a chronic disorder. During those final missions, when I realized my anxiety was a good thing, it actually lessened, I went from being paranoid to being alert, and my eyes still never missed anything.
Whether you are a student or adult, if you are experiencing anxiety issues at school or in the work place, it probably is a good thing, and your sub consciousness is either trying to send you a message, or helping you adjust to subtle yet significant changes in the social environment. As human beings, we are progressive by nature; we thrive to become better in all facets of our lives, but for each milestone of change, it is a necessity for us to transition from feelings of comfort to feelings of discomfort, and if all goes well, back to feelings of comfort. So the next time you find your self feeling anxious, don’t be quick to suppress the feeling, instead embrace it, and by doing so you will achieve insight into your situation.
Newsletter for the week of March 10th 2008
Dealing with Trauma
What is trauma? Trauma is an event beyond our control which causes considerable pain in our lives. It could be a one time event or it could be a series of events which occur subtly or blatantly over a period of time.
How we respond to trauma plays a role in our ability to resolve the pain we have experienced from the trauma. These days our news media are filled with stories about random acts of violence other human beings inflict on others, be it a stranger who walks into a setting with an automatic weapon and assaults everyone in sight, or the ultimate tragedy that results from a one on one confrontation. Sadly, most people experience traumatic events on a daily basis. Some are blatant, while most are subtly and usually occur in the form of psychology trauma. Examples of the latter type of trauma are abuses endured in relationships and families are prejudices various people endure in their communities.
An unhealthy way for people who have experienced some form of trauma is to develop a generalized prejudice in regards to the traumatic event they experienced. While this attitude may seem to make sense to most people, it only re victimizes the individual in that the newly form belief serves as a constant reminder for the trauma experienced and every time the individual acts on his or her prejudiced based belief, the trauma is replayed in the mind and re experienced again, which will only be reinforced by the prejudiced belief. Considering that the initial experience of the trauma originally caused pain, experiencing the trauma in the mind again will only cause the pain to be experienced again. Now trauma occurs on a continuum, meaning that there are several levels of severity on which people experience pain from a traumatic event. As mentioned in last week’s newsletter, “Mind over matter,” unresolved emotional pain, usually leads to physical ills of the body. This same theory applies to trauma, the more unresolved pain experienced over time, the more likely a person experiencing such pain is likely to develop physical side effects.
The most effective and healthy way for a person to deal with his traumatic experienced is to first acknowledge the hurt and pain caused by the trauma, and work on moving on with life, while consciously working to overcome the pain. A common way to do this is by talking to others about the event, and while acknowledging powerlessness over the events, actively trying to understand the nature of events which triggered the traumatic event. Developing an understanding of our trauma, empowers us towards not developing a prejudice regarding the events, and subsequently not living in fear.
Newsletter for the week of March 3rd 2008
Mind over matter
Our mental state constantly influences our overall sense of well being. Most people seem to believe that their physical well being and their mental healthiness are two separate entities. Can you blame them? In today’s universal culture there are definite distinctions made between mental health and physical health.
Constant anxiety, depression and anger, are triggers for physical ills. While it is always important for every person to receive annual physicals and check ups, and while some illnesses like the common cold and sometimes the flu are inevitable, the number one source of being well comes from being in the right frame of mind. What do I mean by this? Maintaining a constant positive mind frame in all facets of our lives, this doesn’t mean that one has to be foolishly optimistic, or that no one should ever experience negative feelings such as disappointment or grief. (These are examples of healthy negative feelings.)It simply means constantly being appreciative for the positive in our lives.
Attitudes and beliefs of privilege or entitlement, inevitable lead to unhealthy negative feelings, which create a mental state that is ill, which usually cause a domino style effect of ills in the body. Some will argue that there is very little scientific research to support what I am writing, and they will be right, however the same can be said for traditional medicine, there are plenty of illness, for which there is very little scientific evidence to support the current theories about the emergence of the illnesses. A good example would be appendicitis and various cancers of the body. Even with illness in which there is supported research as to the cause and onset, such as heart disease or diseases or the lung or liver, there are illnesses usually caused by the behaviors or lifestyles of people, such as dieting, smoking and excessive drinking. One has to wonder the mental state of people who engage in such behaviors, despite the overwhelming information about the dangers such behaviors pose for their physical health.
Despite the disparity between traditional medicine and the emerging field of mental health, there is one theory agreed upon by most professionals in both fields, and that is stress. Most professionals agree that stress in the leading cause of most physical illness, with the theory that too much stress leads to a lower immune system. Needless to say, constantly living in an unhealthy negative mind space leads to stress, and most people who feel constantly under stress, tend to cope with unhealthy behaviors.
So it’s good advice for us to start taking a holistic approach to our health and wellbeing. If you are experiencing any unhealthy negative feelings, consider your physical health as well and let this consideration guide you towards seeking help. If you are experiencing a physical ill while seeking treatment, consider your state of mind, and work on adopting a healthier attitudeNewsletter: Week of February 25th 2008
Dealing with Failures
How do you deal with failure? Chances are if you handle failure pretty well, you know at least one person who struggles to cope well with failure. I am not necessarily referring to your typical perfectionist, or people who suffer from some form of obsessive compulsive disorder. I am referring to those who struggle to deal shortcomings they experience after a valiant effort has been exerted.
While disappointment is a natural reaction to failure, a lot can be learnt from a goal not achieved; in regards to what works and what doesn’t work, towards achieving a goal. The effort in it of itself is not wasted but can be characterized as an experience. There are several reasons people struggle to deal with a failure, past the natural reactio
n of disappointment. However a popular reason is that people have a tendency of associating their sense of self worth with their achievements or shortcomings. One way to avoid this unhealthy habit is to practice evaluating yourself based on your core values, and your consistency in practicing these core values. In regards to goals accomplished or otherwise, rather than judge your self worth on your achievements or shortcomings, emphasis should be placed on your commitment and effort towards reaching a goal. With this kind of an attitude, all cannot be lost, because you can be able to achieve insight into the process of trying to accomplish the goal; thus, experience is achieved.
Newsletter, Week of February 18th 2008
Boundaries
Too many times people who report symptoms of racing thoughts, distractibility and irritability are given some form of a mental health diagnosis, most commonly bipolar. But most of the time our symptoms of dysfunction is due to our long term habits.
Which leads to this week's topic, boundaries; we live in an era of free thinkers, and liberated mind sets. People have rejected a number of norms practiced by their immediate ancestors and to some degree have adopted an anything goes philosophy.
Now this is not a political column to any stretch, and I feel it is important for me to express that most of my views are considered liberal, however during my professional practice I have found that healthy people can show symptoms of some mental illnesses when they don’t set and practice boundaries on themselves.
What do I mean by boundaries? Boundaries are guidelines we set for ourselves to keep us focused on our goals and objectives and most importantly, to keep us sane.
In reality just about anything goes, this means if it’s conceivable it can be done. We can engage in all types of behaviors, go where we please, the possibilities are endless. A lot of young people come to this realization as they are coming of age, and it is not uncommon to have a young person “go for it all”. The problem for a person, who has not set boundaries in their life, is that they begin to experience the consequences of their actions. These consequences by themselves aren’t necessary negative, what brings about the possibility of the consequence being negative or positive is the individual’s readiness and ability to deal with the consequences.
Some examples are teenage pregnancies, recreational drug use leading to chemical dependency, our daily diets, and the list goes on and on. So it is important that, regardless of your age, if you are engaging in a new behavior that you take some time access your preparedness to deal with the consequences.
Newsletter for the week of February 11, 2008
The You Factor
It’s easy for us to agree that from time to time, unfortunate events take place in our lives. Unfortunate events that most of us have no control or sway over. As an afterthought, it is misleading to categorize challenging or non preferred events in our lives as unfortunate; because what has the potential of being really unfortunate is our response to these non preferred events in our lives.
While we may have no control over the unfortunate events in our lives, we sway a lot of influence over how the situation plays out. Too often without realizing it our anger or disappointment is not usually due to the initial non preferred event, but the outcome, which was influenced by our reaction to the event.
Once a upon of time, a former client of mine who played basketball, informed me that he was stressed and depressed over the manner in which his teammates and coach regarded and treated him. He swore the coach hated his guts, and as a result did not give him enough playing time, and his teammates had little respect for him because he wasn’t a big contributor to the team on the court. He was certain that he would be a significant contributor if he received more minutes. To further support his claim, he told me stories of how his coach would yell at him in front of everyone and from time to time, his teammates would yell at him for making mistakes.
He was right to some degree; his coach was infamous for his ill temper and brash nature, but what was really going on, was his consistent responses to his coach’s outbursts at him and his teammates constant criticisms of him. I once had an opportunity to observe the team during practice, once confronted by his coach or teammates, my client would look defeated, lower his head to the floor, shrug his shoulders, and in almost all cases turn his back towards the confronter. To make things more interesting, he would go back to displaying the same behavior he was being confronted about; i.e. Taking shots he wasn’t supposed to be taking.
During my next session with him, I revealed to him that I had quietly observed his last practice. My client was excited, “do you see how they treat me? Do you see?” While I acknowledged that there were certainly better ways his coach could address his issues with him, I pointed out how his passive aggressive responses to confrontation only agitated his confronters, and prompted him to confront him more, especially when he went back to doing the same thing they didn’t want him to do. “Your team is probably just as anxious as you, for you to leave the team,” I told him.
Once he started paying attention to his response to the confrontations, he was able to pay attention to the content of the confrontations, and understand where they were coming from. During one practice, after the coach had gone off on one of his triads, my client was able to maintain eye contact, and verbally clarify what the coach had just yelled at him. The coach became surprisingly calm as he verified my client had understood his ranting. Three weeks later my client’s playing time per game increased from two minutes per game to eight minutes.
While things are not usually that straight forward in most conflicts we experience from time to time, one thing that is consistent is our responses. A negative response will usually prompt an unhealthy circle, in which the same conflict and outcome reoccurs in the person’s life repeatedly. In other words the person’s responses, only leads to unwanted outcomes they are working avoid so when in doubt over adversity, pay attention to your response.
Newsletter for Monday February 4th 2008
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Effective Communication
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In my professional experience I have used Adventure therapy to facilitate specific groups. It is interesting to see the amazement on the faces of participants after they have been successful in solving an exercise that involved the absence of speaking. I always ask the group this question; “So why is it that we sometimes have difficulty communicating with others, when we can speak?”
Effective communication is not primarily based on how articulate you are, but on how observant you are. People have a tendency to become loud, erratic and sometimes hostile during arguments. Regardless of how angry you feel, taking a deep breath and be attentive to the other person's point of view. This will do two things; first, your fellow conversant will become less angry and appreciative that they are being heard. Secondly, you will achieve insight into the conflict, even if you do not agree with the other point of view.
The principle is to seek to understand before being understood. This principle also applies to everyday interactions we have with others and serves as a good preventative measure to keep your communications from deteriorating. So, during future communications, don't be in a hurry to get your point across, make an effort to understand the other person, and even if it is you who initiated the conversation, make sure that you are paying attention to non verbal cues.
Newsletter: Week of January 28, 2008
Denial and Conflicts
What is denial? Denial is an unhealthy defense mechanism which serves to ease the mind about problems some of us feel overwhelmed by, but in reality only exacerbates conflicts. As creatures of habit, the longer we practice certain behaviors, the stronger the behavior becomes ingrained in our system and the more difficult it becomes a habit to break.
Nevertheless, denial by itself can be considered a habit, and good examples of how detrimental the habit of denial can be, is a battered spouse who refuses to leave an abusive partner, or a drug addict, who insists on being oblivious to the devastating effects his addiction is having on himself and his relationships.
As a therapist, it is not uncommon for me to spend a significant amount of time with clients, dissecting and helping them realize their denials, before processing their core issues. So why is denial so prevalent? For the most part, it has to do with our beliefs and perceptions about conflicts and problems. Ironically, it has little to do with our ability to resolve conflicts in our lives, and more importantly to do with our ability to accept whatever conflicts we are experiencing and still be content with ourselves. Chances are high that people who are willing to accept the truth about conflicts they are experiencing, even those they have no control over, are in a better position to resolve these conflicts. Accepting the realities of their situation puts them in a position to take action and change aspects of their behaviors and lifestyle. Even those who feel the conflicts they are experiencing are out of their hands can become empowered by finding help.
Nothing in life stays the same, and change is inevitable, so when you feel things have taken a turn for the worse, have no shame, accept the reality of the situation and don’t be afraid to seek help.
Newsletter: Week of January 21 , 2008
Resolving Conflicts in Marriages
The ability to resolve conflicts in marriages has to do with being able to recognize our unhealthy ideals and separating them from reality. These ideals are usually taught to us, by our parents, guardians and immediate society, about what a marriage should be, even though the marriages some of us witnessed growing up where far from the ideals we hold to high esteem.
Times change, people change and inevitable circumstances change as well, in order to let go of unhealthy ideals in your marriage, it is important to honestly challenge your beliefs about these ideals. So much of our beliefs are intertwined with our identities, that we have just difficulties letting go of the ridiculous ones, it’s as if we tell ourselves that if we let go of certain beliefs that we would cease to exist.
A good example would be the story of one man who ended up divorcing his wife because she refused to quit her job and stay home with the kids. His wife’s proposal was that they both work, and make time for the family, but he would always revert back to his home bringing, and how things where in his family. The interesting aspect of this situation was that his wife was making more money that he was, and based on his salary alone, he would have struggled to provide for the entire household. Granted, some might argue that there was some deep rooted beliefs in gender roles, and possible embarrassment and jealousy that his wife earned more than he did. But at the end of the day one would think that pragmatism would take top priority; sadly this was not the case.
If you are planning on getting married, it is important to seek pre marital counseling; this provides you and your potential life partner the opportunity to discuss how your marriage would be changing things forever in your lives, what your expectations for the life long commitment, and most importantly family values and beliefs. If your family values and beliefs are the equivalent of night and day, it is important for you two to be honest with yourselves to ascertain what your priorities are. If your priorities are with each, then the good news is that an exploration and compromise of your family values is indeed possible. When exploring and compromising, acceptance is crucial, when I write about acceptance, yes I mean your partner, and not just for his or her good qualities but their flaws. Shy away from making comparisons from your ideal expectations, these are more likely fantasies, which are unrealistic.
If you are already married and are experiencing difficulties, it is not too late to backtrack and explore these issues, even if you have done so in the past. It is not uncommon, even after a number of years of being married, people who feel they are not in their ideal marriage will feel cheated and manipulated by their partners. This usually leads to a sense of mistrust which in turn leads to continued conflicts, over minor issues, which only reinforces the belief that your partner does not have your best interest at heart.
If you and your partner have been happy before, which is almost always likely the case, chances are high that your partner does love and care for you. Remember before you address your issues with your partner, preferably in the presence of a psychotherapist, take a moment to try and ascertain what expectations for the marriage you have and you feel is not being met. It is through processing this that you will gain an understanding of how realistic your expectations are.